kids love our house. we had 3 more over this weekend. they like hanging out.... i'm glad they feel comfortable here...i guess they have a lot of fun...kids love places like chuck-echeese for free. i made two trips to town today....one was  my present for mother's day i had scheduled, and the other was for some school lunch shopping for the next and last 2 weeks of school. emily and livy were my little shopping helpers. but i didn't get the two things that i needed...a flashdrive for emily's moving-up day pictures and her allergy pills. my mind was on so many things....i simply forgot.

 i visited my dad for a little bit. he still doesn't have a marker where his grave is. that's going to be the next thing i do is get him one. he deserves that. i miss my dad. i still can't believe he's gone. living is hard when people you love start dying. it doesn't feel as secure anymore. it makes me sad.
i rented a scary movie at the library. kenny hates them. but what's life without a good scary movie once in a while, or a psychiatric-hospital-themed thriller that makes you think.
i think maybe 13 is too young for social networking. that's just my opinion but since i have a son that age, i think it has the potential to get complicated. i'm not sure if that's old enough to handle the drama. there's too many piranhas out there. and of course the less i know about what's going on behind school walls, maybe the better. but then again, i have to know things to make sure they're doing alright and keep an eye out, don't i?that drama with girls can start early....that nasty social hierarchy that can make or break you, unless you have a very thick skin. but who can blame them when their mothers teach 'em how to act that way? it isn't surprising that means girls come from mean adults. the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree.
brandon wants to study law. i hope he can be a successful corporate attorney in a big city and make lots of money or just enough to be happy will do fine....just be as kind as he is now with a good head on his shoulders. we were laughing the other night....he wants to own a bugati....we were just joking about how he's been watching these NBA players and how easy they make it look. its ok to dream big...nothing wrong with that...as long as you know that it may just be a dream. it never hurts to try to achieve them though.....goals keep you motivated to keep going.  3 more months and then he leaves the nest. i need to start preparing myself but i don't think there's any way to do that. i'm going to freak out a little bit i'm afraid. he got some nice graduation gifts....people have been so thoughtful. i'm thankful for those who've been there through it all. his childhood passed by way too quick. in some ways i wish we could do it again...i still can't watch videos of him when he was a little boy...it's too bittersweet....
let me get back to watching my scary movie....goodnight.

mother's day13...brandon is taller than i thought he was:)

mothers day was nice. the kids have been asking me what i want....i always tell them to do their best in whatever they do, whatever it may be...school, listening, learning, helping, especially being good to each other....that'll make me proud.  i really don't want any more than that....other than a big hug:)....but i love the cards and pictures they make. livy wrote a story at school about me and said i weighed 25 lbs--haha... she knew my favorite color was blue and how old i am... jonah's preschool teacher took a picture of him in a handsome little dress-up coat and hat....laura made a strawberry cake and decorated it so pretty.... audrey wrote a story called "five minutes of peace" and ways i could find that; emily drew a beautiful picture and story about us; brandon went to the store especially for me and bought a special card with his own money....these heartfelt things made my day. i guess my kids love me after all. and the way they show it is just by being themselves and loving me for who i am. what more can i ask? as a mom, there can be so much guilt. a women told me one time that she had 3 kids and her guilt was tremendous....she couldn't imagine how i dealt with it all. well....let me tell ya'....it isn't easy. no one ever has to do too much criticizing...as i'm quite critical of myself. being a mom is one of the hardest things, i guess my biggest problem is trying to be everything for everyone and there's just not enough of me to go around.  some days, i never feel i get it quite right, wishing there was a rewind button. my children love me anyway.
i want to take laura on a big trip before she gets out of high school. we've been talking about it for awhile, so we'll see. i have big dreams. but i don't know if my abilities can handle those dreams.
i saw in the paper where they had a NICU party for kids who were born prematurely. we never went back for audrey because i was too traumatized for the first couple years after her birth. her spending 4 months in the hospital after being born at 27 wks was difficult. i was scared she was never coming home. she was asking me tonight how little she was....i look at her today, almost 9 years old, and think how fortunate we are for her to be here, happy and healthy. time helps to heal but i wouldn't wish it on anyone to have to go through having a sick child. yet we had more children...i don't know how we did it. it was meant to be. they're here...happy and well. people make all kinds of decisions that don't make sense to someone else, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. so i am especially glad to receive hugs from little audrey, livy, jonah, and savannah.
on one hand, i like nights because it's quiet in the house, and i know the kids are getting rest....but the one thing i don't like is the darkness that goes along with it. my dad use to say he hated late nights because that's when he had time to think, and didn't necessarily want to. sunday nights were the worst. i don't know why that is. maybe it's because it's back to work/back to school. good thing we have tv/music/lights/books....excellent way to keep the mind off of things.
only 3 more weeks of school...i think i can make it....day by day...sometimes moment by moment haha...it seems like. i'm proud of our kids....they help me remember what i'm here for and my job is never done.

it is so soggy outside and cool. i'm ready for some sun. puppy, our black cocker/poodle mix from dublin, doesn't like going outside when it's raining so i have to grab her when she's not looking and put her little butt out. little diva dog thinking she doesn't have to get her feet wet. who's house does she think she's living in?
i'm beginning to seriously dislike abeka and anything to do with pensacola. rules are great to an extent, but sometimes isn't it better to let your hair down a little bit? every little i doesn't have to be dotted and t crossed to get through life. the only reason i use them is because it's more affordable than other programs. parting ways sounds good about right now.
i have the best teenagers. they are amazing. and to think i get to be their mom. what a lucky person i am.
brandon's taking AP exams this week. he said his psychology was easy. tomorrow he has to write 3 essays for his literature and wasn't looking forward to that, then 1 more to go...i think government.
we have some little girls shoes to wash. audrey came home today from the horse field with wet mud up to her knees. she's been in the horse pond again....my little frog catcher. and i just looove frogs or any thing reptile. then came livy right behind her, not quite as dirty, but enough to know she's been the same place audrey was. i've got a nice mix of tomboys and girly girls and somewhere in between with 5 daughters. rain's having a fun time with her new cow friends. we watched her out the window with her mad ears back, kicking her feet up, letting 'em know who's the boss. animals do give you something to laugh about. i love that about them even if they're a pain in the butt sometimes.
i'm reading a fiction book about bullying, which is good by the way, even if it's taking me a long time to read it...anyway i couldn't have said it better if i could write that well....sometimes other people's brilliant words can describe exactly how you feel sometimes....
"I remember seeing a documentary on tv about the amish people, and it talked about how the community shuns somone who breaks a law of their church or someone who does something really wrong..... the person is forced to live with the community but at the same time he isn't really  acknowledged as part of it. i remember the presenter using the phrase social avoidance.
i remember thinking how awful and frustrating and maddening that would be, having nowhere else to go and being virtually invisible to everyone around you. it sounded like a cruel, cruel punishment. i think i know a little of what that feels like now. it is awful and frustrating. and maddening. i was right. it is a cruel punishment especially for a crime i never committed. but what did i ever do to hurt anyone? and if i did do something wrong, why won't anyone tell me what it was so that i can apologize?"  shunning, social avoidance, ostracizing....whatever you want to call it didn't feel too good....and you don't have to be amish either...baptists do the same thing...
....."she had just behaved like one of those disgraceful women on those reality shows like real housewives or mob wives. you didn't have to watch them to be aware that they were absurdly popular. who were these women living lives where vindictive, spiteful behavior was considered the norm and even encouraged among so-called friends? well, just how true to life those shows were,  jane couldn't really say. were women really so horrible to each other as a matter of course? she didn't want to think that they were....."  but they can be....and to beat all, after inviting them into your personal home life...they used info against you....this is why i have trust issues
...."there was a line between compassion--if that was the right word--and self protection. you could learn how to turn the other cheek, but you didn't have to present your face to be slapped." yes...so true....keeping a healthy distance can help with that....still hard for me because i tend to have a lot of compassion even after being slapped.
~excerpts from last summer by holly chamberlain

...the calendar for may is getting full. did i mention i love my watches, datebooks, and endless lists of to-do's now? well....love is not exactly the right word, maybe i need them....must have them....otherwise, kids and i would be no-shows to many things. a secretary would be nice, but i guess that's part of the job title as well. and people wonder what i do all day? oh....nothing....just hang out with my spoiled dogs, sitting back reading magazines, fanning myself like a queen sipping magaritas in this big ole' dust-bunny-filled house...haha...just some of the time... well...off to do something productive, whatever that may be.

lots of busy stuff lately....kid's check-ups, bran getting adjusted to contacts, dogwood parades.... finding somewhere to sit with 6 kids at a very crowded mcd's....visiting mom and dad's house the first time since nov., random sickness, late night grocery shopping by myself which i happen to think is the best time because few people are there. who wants to shop when it's busy. that doesn't make sense at all. bran got his grad pictures taken today...luckily he still fits into a white shirt and black pants we bought last year because he needed it at the last moment. one thing i can't do is make things appear out of nowhere....i'm not that good. so i have a 17 y.o graduate and a 5 y.o. preschool graduation at the same time. one son headed out and another son just starting. can't believe it's almost the end of the year. adjusting to summer schedule will be interesting. we are trying to set boundaries. i can tell you.....not the easiest thing to do. with some people, persistence sometimes equals victory....there is such a thing as bugging the heck out of somebody until you finally give in and say yes.
i thought life was challenging 10 yrs ago...one thing i've learned is just when you think you can relax, there's always something else.....always. it never ends. you never know what's around the corner. it's a good thing there are good things too....lots of them.

...that's a welcome relief...brandon got his financial aid package. one less thing for people to worry about... seriously thought when he told me he got the uva email today that there could be some significant potential debt.....he has a good poker face...had me going there for awhile. of course, even substantial debt would not keep him from going....$26,000--something/yr would qualify, but it's better when you don't have a lot starting out, and a full yr ride makes things better. i'm so relieved and happy....  of course, he'll have to work hard for it, that goes without saying. brandon, i am so proud of you:)
i would do anything for my kids, but one thing i can't do is take away the hard parts. it's really difficult for me as a mom to realize and accept this. i've gone from having my kids with me most days to having to show id to get them back. catty woman syndrome....you never know what's up with that. i usually like to err on the side of caution, because most/some of the time, people really are just saying what they're saying with no hidden meanings....but sometimes they're not. still....there is no one who can replace the mom. i'm the one who has been there through it all....at least the large majority of it. no one can take that away....memories last a long time.
 ben's going to a dance tomorrow. he was so sweet to pay for his girlfriend....i've always said he has a heart of gold.
so...we're looking forward to our beach trip. it will be good to get away....besides the packing and hard work of course....interesting to see how it goes. hopefully we can relax. sometimes hard to come by unless we purposefully make time for it. do most people even realize how valuable peace is? you sure do when you don't have it as much, trying to get it any way you can. the beach always seems to help with that.
well...listening to some music, read the paper....hopefully one of my children doesn't get sick again tonight for her sake. headed to the dr tomorrow bright and early. goodnight.